Date: 2008-05-04 23:41 Subject: Bubbles. Security: Public Mood: sad

Bubbles died today. He was two years old. He'd been with me through a whole year of Ashley.. through 4.16.. and he kept me company all this past year, so living alone didn't seem so lonely. He was my travel buddy, too.. rode in his little cooler in the floorboard whenever I visited home. I thought he was invincible.. he fell out of his bowl once and flopped around on the bathroom floor for god knows how long.. and still lived. He played dead all the time, in fact. Sometimes he'd start to float sideways and I'd just have to shake him up a bit and he'd be fine. But this morning, I shook him and he didn't move.. 

He looked so pitiful.. his little body floating upside down in the corner like that. And then I had to scoop him out and actually flush him. Even cleaning out his bowl and putting it away in the cabinet tore me apart. I cried so hard all morning.. and then every time I passed by the kitchen and he wasn't there, I'd start crying all over again.

The apartment seems so empty now and so quiet.. I mean, he didn't make much noise in the first place (he was a fish afterall), but I miss the little noises that he did make.. the little splashes and slurping noises.. And I miss coming home and going to the kitchen to make faces at him through the bowl.. 

I really did love the little guy.

Date: 2007-06-07 23:21 Subject: This is college. Security: Public Mood: hungry Music: Anberlin: Adelaide

Living off of condiments. That's healthy, right?

Neither one of us has a job.. yet.. so we're sending these pictures home to our parents with sad little hungry notes attached :]

I've tried applying at 3 different places and nobody seems to need me. I managed to scrounge up enough change to buy a bag of carrots the other day, though! And as soon as Ashley finds money to pay me back for the $5 I lent her, I can buy us some toilet paper! lol We still have one roll left.. it's not like we're using leaves yet.

We're pathetic.

Date: 2007-06-07 21:55 Subject: Whoosh. Security: Public Mood: blah Music: The Used: Paralyzed

I'm doing some late spring cleaning. Of my life. Sweeping away all the dirt and grime that's holding me back..

Date: 2007-06-06 22:23 Subject: A song. Security: Public Mood: lonely Music: Amos Lee: Colors

When you're gone,
All the colors fade.

When you're gone,
No new year's day parade.

You're Gone.

Colors seem to fade.

Colors seem to fade.

Date: 2007-06-06 22:14 Subject: A few pix. Security: Public Mood: lonely Music: Amos Lee - Black River

( We will prevail. )

Date: 2007-06-06 18:02 Subject: Mr. Golden Sun.. Security: Public Music: Joni Mitchell: Clouds

I took a walk today. It was so nice outside. I played with the ducks around the pond, made faces at the cows, ran around barefoot, and read some of my book under a tree. Would have been perfect if I had had someone to share it with..

Date: 2007-04-20 19:40 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

( I love you so. )

Date: 2007-04-16 23:52 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

My Rossmo is gone.

Date: 2007-04-16 11:43 Subject: VT Gone Wild.. Security: Public Mood: worried Music: CNN

Bomb threat last week, bomb threat yesterday.. shootings this morning

1 person was killed at WAJ this morning.. my old dorm.. and another was wounded

7-8 more people were killed in Norris.. right behind where I usually have class

I would be in lock-down right now, but I missed class to get my car damages appraised in Christiansburg. I can't get in touch with Ross, though. I know he's on campus because he has class at the same time as me. He must be in lock-down, but he won't answer any of my texts.

What is going onn..

Date: 2007-04-12 21:14 Subject: All rise.. Security: Public Mood: drained Music: Pursuit of Happyness

So court today was a royal waste of my time. The only defense the girl came up with was that she stopped at the stop sign and just didn't see me. Therefore, we waited an hour and a half to walk up to the judge, show him the diagram, and him to go "guilty". DUH. She even pled guilty beforehand. Granted, she really had no idea what she was doing.. BUT.. what do you expect to happen when you plead guilty and then have no valid defense! I mean, why even waste your time going to court in the first place?!

So I missed another art history class for basically nothing. At least she was nice, though. I actually like her a lot. We have a lot in common, so we spent most of our waiting time just talking and getting to know each other. Sooo I guess it wasn't all bad *shrug*

P.S. Last night! haha.. last night was a trip. See, after I got my nose pierced, Ashley got two more tattoos! We were both in so much pain.. I'd scream every time I had to sneeze and she screamed for about 30 min. straight in the shower xp

Date: 2007-04-11 20:24 Subject: sketchyy Security: Public Mood: accomplished Music: ash's hair dryer

( 30 min. Helen sketch: )

Date: 2007-04-11 19:09 Subject: spontaneity. Security: Public Mood: sore Music: crunchy crunch crunch of my almonds

( Look what I did.. )

Date: 2007-04-10 18:14 Subject: wow shenanigans. Security: Public Location: masta bedroom Mood: drained Music: Luke and Lorelei chit chat

What a week.. I studied my BUM off for my Global Environmental Issues test because my grades have been constantly falling in that class. I read both books through twice and took my notes and slides with me everywhere. I even memorized the laws and amendments.. I did everything.. and still bombed it. Not only that, but the crayon sculpture that I've been protecting with my life because of it's fragility.. well, I kicked it! I was even wary to pick it up before because the pieces are so thin and what do I do? KICK it across the floor!! So now I have to rebuild it.. all over -_-

And Life Drawing! I fully realize that my drawings haven't been quite as successful as my classmates' or even as my works from last semester, but drawing people has always been hard for me. Yesterday, though, my teacher told me to loosen up and trust my instincts, so I did! And it turned out horrible. I had to start over halfway through, so my final piece was obviously lacking. Of all days, my teacher invites in another professor to critique our work. He gets to mine and just rips it to shreds.. going on and on about how the features look like a stick-on and that the back of the head is undefined and invites the model himself over to laugh at it. I was already having to fight back tears and he goes, "WHO'S IS THIS?!" Not only does he bash on my work, but he calls me to the front of the room to further humiliate me.

And now.. to properly top it all off.. I lost my Hokie Passport. I was stranded on campus with no money and no ride home and it was like 20 degrees out. Luckily, I had a voicemail from a guy who saw it lying on the sidewalk. Unluckily, that guy HAD NO ARMS and couldn't pick it up. Just my luck. The only no-armed man on campus is the guy that finds my passport. So obviously when I go back to the spot to find it, it was already gone.

Gah. I have to miss my classes Thursday because I'll be in COURT and then I have to miss them again to get my car damages appraised x_x

Meanwhile, I have to see comments from Ryan to his 32-yr-old lover like "you are truly the most amazing and most beautiful person I have ever met"

Peaches.

Date: 2007-03-31 23:59 Subject: Venting.. again Security: Public Mood: cranky Music: Avril - Girlfriend (lol)

I hate my roommate, too.

She made two cakes earlier today and left me a note that said "DON'T EAT THE CAKE, LEAH" so I just assumed she was making them for a friend's birthday or to cheer somebody up.

I really wanted some cake and had to stare at them all day, but I left them alone.

Then she came home after work and was like, "LEAH IF YOU ATE THAT CAKE, I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS" and I was just like chill womann, I didn't touch it. Then she grabs a big handful of it, walks back into my room, shoves it in her face, and goes "man this is good" ... jerk

And!! Her friend just came up and they were getting ready for a "highlighter party" and goes, "Leah, do you want to put on some jeans and a white t and come get written on?!" I actually got invited and Ashley goes, "ha, Leah won't do that." ... so I just said no thanks because if I did go, I'd have to hang out with HER.

I think she tries to make my life miserable. Yesterday sucked because I was just busy doing work all day in the apartment by myself. Plus, I can't drive myself anywhere past dark cause my headlight is smashed. Well, Ashley started partying at 6. She comes home at 1 AM and knows that I've been home alone all day. And yet she has the nerve to say, as she's getting ready to go to some frat house, "I have too many friends! I wish I didn't have any and then I wouldn't get invited out all the time!!"

I wanna beat her down :]

Date: 2007-03-30 18:13 Subject: For the record.. Security: Public Mood: determined Music: ashley leaving.. bliss

Did I mention that I HATE "him" because I do. I just wanted to make sure that was understood.

I'm going to see how long I can go without speaking to him. PERIOD. No phone, no aim, no nothing. Starting now :]

Date: 2007-03-30 18:10 Subject: Let the madness cease!! Security: Public

Crazy, crazy week. Completely dominated two tests and a quiz. Wrecked my car. Found out HeWhoMustNotBeNamed is considering an affair with a married woman and taking over as father of her two children (LOL). And my very best necklace broke into two pieces after 3 or 4 years of nonstop wearage.

And I forgot to buy milk.. agaaaain.

Date: 2007-03-14 21:27 Subject: Boo. Security: Public

I'm cursed. I know it.

Woke up last this morning and missed half of music theory.

Drove around for half an hour looking for parking, had to end up walking half way across campus to the extra credit lecture, get there and the guy says the place is full and I can't go in.

Started working out tonight and pulled something in my back.. now I literally cannot move, can't lay down, turn my head in any direction, can't bend over.. sitting still and upright even hurts.. so bad that it's making me nauseated.

Lovely.

Date: 2007-03-14 02:25 Subject: Warning: Drama (but it comes with a happy ending) Security: Public Mood: determined Music: Ashley's CD player

I fucking hate him. I hate everything about him. EVERYTHING.

TWO years. TWO ENTIRE YEARS of my life. wasted. ON HIM. Two years I stood up for him, took his side, lied to my parents, lost friends, sacrificed my grades.. for HIM. I would stay on the phone for hours at a time, trying to calm him down and listen to him vent about his parents. I talked him through every problem he ever had to face. I researched colleges, printed out applications, helped him with research papers.. instead of doing my own.. and what'd he do? Drop out of college - twice. I drove an hour to go see him.. every chance I got.. even though I knew when I got back home, my dad probably wouldn't even speak to me.

Why? Because. He told me that I had changed his life and his tears seemed so geniune. He said that when he met me, he quit smoking pot and drinking because he knew I'd never take him otherwise. He told me that he loved me, called me his baby, left me messages every morning on my cell phone just to say good morning and that he hoped I'd have a good day. We didn't go a day without calling each and we'd talk for houuurs every time. He'd literally do anything I ask him, too, and always took care of me when I was upset.

He cried when I left for college. He cried and held me SO close when I mentioned us going separate ways. He told me that he knew, without a doubt, that I was the only one out there for him.

He was my BEST FRIEND. We were inseparable. We'd fought so many times and been through so much together.. what we had was strong. He knew everything there was to know about me.. and loved me still. I knew he loved me. I knew he truly meant it.

Then how the fuck.. on the week of our TWO-YEAR ANNIVERSARY.. did he fucking SLEEP with another girl. How could he avoid my calls for a week straight. How could he let HER answer his phone that night and tell ME that "he doesn't love you anymore, he loves ME now" and that "oh yeah, he fucked me in the back seat of his car.. didn't you, baby?" How could he let her say those things.. how could he listen to me crying on the other end and take HER side. How could he flat out tell me that he just didn't love me anymore.

What's more.. how could he call me the next day, begging for my forgiveness, admitting how much he had screwed everything up.. and then go sleep with her AGAIN?!

I also come to find out.. he never quit drinking. He kept partying and getting wasted the whole time that we dated. Pot? Apparently, he got high with HER.

He keeps telling me that he loves me. And also tells a 15-year-old in Texas (whom he met on Myspace) the same thing.

Everything that I saw in him, the reasons I fell for him.. were all just a facade. I fell in love with a lie. But HOW. How can someone do that for two years.. pretend to be someone else and LIE to the one they love and care for the most.. unless he never did love me..

He used to watch his language when he talked with me because he knew I didn't like it (excuse my own F-bombs in this entry), but now it seems like he's trying to beat his own record at how many cuss words he can fit into one sentence. He has no job, still isn't enrolled in school, has no money, got his car taken away for the 4th time I think, and lives at home with his parents. He spends his time at home downloading and flirting with underage Myspace girls or getting completely wasted at a friend's house. Side note: not all of them are underage. He met one 30-year-old who actually flew from New York to stay with him one weekend. Apparently they got drunk in his car outside a friend's house while the friend fucked a prostitute in a shed.

THAT is the guy I fell in love with. And all of my friends told me to stay away from him. All of his friends warned me from the beginning. But no, I really knew him better than anyone. I TRUSTED him. I invested everything I had into our relationship. I let other friendships pretty much die, and gave HIM everything.

So now.. this person.. still has a part of ME. Not the loser, but the made up guy that I loved.. a part of my heart still belongs to him. And I don't know if I can deal with knowing that I sacrificed so much and devoted so much of myself to someone who didn't even exist.

So now I'm left.. trying to salvage old friendships and deal with college.. simultaneously juggling therapy sessions and meetings with my psychiatrist.

I just hate him, but I hate the fact that I'm still letting him control my life even more. Tonight I thought I'd try and talk to him about our friendship and what was happening with it, but he was on the phone with a 12-year-old and just laughed and said, "sorry that I'm trying to help someone with something other than relationship problems" and made up some excuse to sign offline.

Is it bad that I was to hurt him. Not physically, althought I'd give anything to just smack him in the face hard.. and I'd do it, that is, if I didn't think he'd hit me right back even harder.. but no, I want to hurt him emotionally. I want him to realize how pathetic his life is and just how bad he fucked up. I want him to open his fucking eyes for once and see something beyond his own face.

So I'm going to keep going to therapy. If need be, I'll start taking whatever medication they prescribe. I'm going to keep going to the gym, making my art, playing my guitar.. I'm going to finally put myself out there (and risk heart failure from anxiety), but I will finally make some friends up here. Lastly, I will find someone who's honest, trustworthy, genuine.. and loves me.. who's more of a man than HE will ever be. When that day comes, with a smile on my face, I'll post as many pictures of my man and I on Myspace as possible.

Chances are, he won't even care.. but at that point, it won't matter.. because I'll have my life back.. if he gets insanely jealous and miserable, that'll just be a plus :]

Date: 2007-03-11 04:00 Subject: stopstopstop Security: Public

stop stop stop stop STOP.

Date: 2007-03-11 03:44 Subject: p.s. Security: Public

By the way, I'm back :]

After about a two-year hiatus, I've decided that it'd be a good idea to dust this thing off and start writing again.